Love is infinite, You can’t have more or less infinity, and you can’t compare two things to see if they’re “equally infinite.” Infinity just is, and that’s the way I think love is, too. – Fred Rogers

• While it is typical that they believe that their relationship is strong enough that it will prevent romantic feelings for others from developing, that is not always the case.
• Since polyamory exists outside social norms, many individuals are private about their relationships, not wishing to experience judgment and discrimination.
• Society might have a negative stigma surrounding the issue of polyamorous relationships.
• Non-monogamous relationships may be challenged by the same issues occurring in monogamous relationships yet since more people are involved in these dynamics the complexity of the issue might be greater.
• While jealousy is often inevitable, jealousy at its different forms may often arise as an issue in nonmonogamous relationships. It is important to develop ways to address and work through it in a healthy and open way.
• Priority and time management issues – With jobs, children, household responsibilities and so on, time is a precious commodity. Time management and quality time spent with each other partners may be limited. As such, scheduling dates and intimacy may be complicated.
• At times individuals in such relationships found themselves in unfamiliar territory. They encounter challenges that they haven’t prepared for, didn’t expect, and haven’t communicated about.
• Ultimately, the key to any healthy relationship, particularly an open relationship is communication, honesty, transparency and consent. The best way to go about this is to discuss it with your partner respectfully and continually maintain trust. In some cases, couples counseling can help committed partners address the challenges they face.

Ambivalent Consent

The concept of ambivalent consent – where one partner wants to explore nonmonogamy, for personal growth, novelty, or other reasons, and the other partner follows reluctantly or with hesitance because they hold on to an important and rewarding relationship – or fear losing it. This is often a challenging issue that I help couples navigate. and it can be very sensitive and even tricky. How couples can accept ambiguity and duality is not an easy thing and requires patience, vulnerability a non-judgmental attitude, compassion, and open and respectful communication. Make friends with uncertainty and expressing feelings and wants at the deepest level is a crucial element in staying with ambiguity and later beyond that.

Key Parameters for Successful Non-Monogamy

• Nonmonogamy should be an informed choice (rather than being forced)
• It is important to develop safe and secure relationship and environment
• Self-awareness, and an ability to engage in honest self-examination about one’s needs, feelings and desires
• Open and honest negotiation and communication about one’s needs and desires, accepting that win-win compromises are the desired outcomes
• Mutual respect for each other’s needs and desires. This means that sometimes, we choose to “not sweat the little things,” and accept that our partner is another person, who makes their own decisions. Our job is to communicate about what are the most important things for us, so that our partner can consider them.
• It’s ALWAYS better to know where landmines are before they blow up in your face.
• Exercising this lifestyle is based on expansion and maturity rather than insecurity and fear (of losing your partner)
• It is key to deal with attachment injury/insecure bond in a healthy way
• Make sure loving experience one another as emotionally accessible and responsive.
• Rules and boundaries are often essential components of polyamorous relationships. When established for the right reasons—can help define the relationship and make partners feel safer.

Developing Agreements through honest communication

Couples who are more successful in practicing nonmonogamy are transparent with one another and have a greater level of trust. Understanding each other attachment styles, sensitivities, feelings, needs, anxieties, worries, and fears requires difficult conversations. These conversations are the opposite of a troubling phenomenon of the “don’t-ask-don’t tell” model. This does not mean that couples can explicitly agree not to share certain activities, but all is clear, understood, and agreed. The clarity of needs helps couples develop an agreement about how to navigate nonmonogamy while having proper safety and protection for both the individuals and the relationship as a whole. Often these agreements evolve and become freer as comfort and ambivalence diminish.

They have an explicit agreement that answers key questions – See below:

Questions When Considering Non-Monogamy

• How would you define your sexual relationship with your partner? and how did you come to that decision? Did it comfort you and make sense to you?
• What would it be like for you to see or know your partner/spouse have sex with someone else….and see them really enjoying it? How would you feel about it?
• What does nonmonogamy mean to us?
• What meaning would you make from their enjoyment of having sex with others?
• Create rules and conditions for a successful having open relationship (where, when, with whom, how much/often, privacy and transparency, communication etc.?
• How will we handle disclosure vs nondisclosure to others?
• What do we want to know about each other’s activities?
• What do we NOT want to know”
• What are your worries?
• How to deal with jealousy and fear?
• Can you count on each other when you need it?
• What are the things that might cause you or your partner pain/hurt?
• What parts of each person’s vulnerability deserve care and attention?
• If one partner asks the other to stop seeing the ex-partner to stop seeing them, would you agree?

Psychotherapist Role

When couples decide to open their relationship, I encourage them to engage in a thoughtful and challenging conversation, often structured like a contractual negotiation. During this process, they explore the terms and boundaries of their open arrangement, assess whether their relationship is strong enough for such a change, agree to safer sex guidelines outside the relationship, and consider what to disclose to each other versus what to keep private. Additionally, they commit to trying the arrangement for a specific period before revisiting and reassessing their agreement.

Despite having clear guidelines, navigating the complexities of an open relationship can be difficult. The newfound freedom often introduces unexpected emotions, such as jealousy, communication breakdowns, resentment, or the fear that one partner might develop romantic feelings for someone else. This is especially true when the excitement of a new sexual encounter contrasts sharply with the comfortable familiarity of long-term intimacy.

My role as a therapist is to help couples explore these dynamics and decide for themselves what’s right or wrong. Together, we address key questions: Are both partners secure and emotionally prepared for this? How will they handle vulnerabilities, jealousy, and other challenges? What are their fantasies and expectations about how this will unfold, and how do they envision the other partner behaving?

Many couples idealize the possibilities or overlook potential pitfalls, so I guide them through a reality check. I ask questions such as: How will this impact their sexual connection with each other? Can they maintain their relationship as the priority, or will outside partners blur the lines? What if romantic feelings develop for someone else? Is opening the relationship a true exploration of new dynamics, or is it masking unresolved issues in their current bond?

In my experience, couples who are healthy and secure as individuals and as partners may find that an open relationship enhances their connection. However, for those struggling with deep personal or relational issues, opening the relationship is often a poor solution to their problems.

Attachment research strongly supports that when couples feel securely attached to one another, they tend to be more flexible, less critical, and better able to handle challenges, including those that arise in an open relationship. In such situations, the most valuable tool they have is each other.