In order to go on living one must try to escape the death involved in perfectionism. - Hannah Arendt

Causes of Perfectionism

Others only value you because of the things you can do and have accomplished.

Your self esteem might have been based primarily from external standards. This leaves you defenseless and extremely sensitive to other people’s opinion and criticism.

You probably decided that being perfect is your only defense from such criticism.

Some of the reasons for perfectionism are listed below.

Fear of failure is among of the reasons for perfectionism. Often times, perfectionists blame their failures to lack of personal worth.

Being afraid to make mistakes. For perfectionists, mistakes and failure are the same. They miss opportunities to learn and grow by living their lives avoiding mistakes.

Fear of rejection is a one of the most common reasons. Perfectionists are often afraid that if other people will see their flaws, they will be rejected.

Rigid Rules. Perfectionists live with rigid rules structured by a never-ending list of “should”.

When measuring yourself by what you don’t accomplish rather than by what you do accomplish, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration. The need to be perfect quickly leads to a distrust of the ability to judge what’s good and what isn’t. When you can’t trust your own feelings of self-worth, you look to others to define and affirm your self-esteem. Perfectionism only allows one way to enhance self-esteem — that’s by being perfect. As such, when a perfectionist believes she isn’t perfect, she feels guilty, frustrated and unhappy. Perfectionism is a never-ending negative cycle of self-abuse.

Key Elements to Overcome Perfectionism

The voice of perfection, similar to the voices of self-doubt and self-condemnation are most often negative parental voices that we have internalized. The demand for perfection by the internalized judge makes even the simplest, most innocent mistakes into devastations for our self-esteem. The key to overcoming perfection is changing our critical voice and transforming perfection into growth. When you aspire growth rather than perfection, you live in the now – compassionately meeting yourself where you are and gradually improving your skills.

Here are a few ideas how to overcome perfection:

Stop comparing yourself to others. We are each unique in our talents, abilities and personalities. When you compare yourself to others and wish you were as creative/talented/successful as them, you completely overlook your own strengths and abilities. It’s great to be inspired by other people, but use that motivation to fuel your own work while you focus on your best.

Set realistic expectations. A shortcut to misery is setting completely unrealistic expectations for your work. It’s good to have ambitions and aims for your work, and to push yourself to do the best you can. But be realistic, or you’ll sabotage your best work before it’s even begun!

Balance high hopes with harsh reality. Perfectionists have expectations and goals that simply can’t be met! To overcome perfectionism, you need to balance great expectations with reality. Accept that your limits – and other people’s limits – are real. You simply can’t create perfection.

Acknowledge your achievements. In the endless quest for perfectionism, you completely lose track of all that you have achieve, and all the progress you have made. To combat this, keep a chart for your milestones, and each time you achieve something, jot it down on your chart. Each month, review how much you’ve created and achieved. You’ll be surprised how much you’d been overlooking, blinded by those perfectionist ways. Learn to appreciate and honor your effort, the journey, and your accomplishments.

Take action towards your goals. What have you always wanted to do, but didn’t because you were afraid of failing? Try it now! Audition for a community play, send a resume for a job, ask someone on a date. Don’t worry if you fail and have to try again. Accept mistakes; learn from them and despite feeling bad, move on to what is actionable. Reflect on how this process of learning from failure applies to other areas of your life. Focus on your positive attitude and effort, which will lead you toward fulfilling life.

Recognize goals/ideas are directions, not absolutes – Continue to hold your ideals and set goals because these serve as growth-levers and motivation sources. The goals are not the problems – it’s the attachment towards the goals which you need to work on. Accept your goals as directions to work towards and not absolutes which you need to achieve. Commit yourself to the pursuits but do not attach yourself to them. It does not matter if you do not reach the goals because the goals are just pointers toward your visions to reach; they are not who you are or who you should be.

Enjoy the process and look at the big picture – The big picture matters more than the tiny details. The process is the longest part of achievement – enjoy it! Find ways to lighten it up – learn to laugh at yourself, take things positively, rest/eat/sleep/play when it is time to, take part in enriching recreational activities.

Express your emotions. To overcome perfectionism, learn to accept your painful emotions (regret, disappointment, depression) – but don’t ruminate on them. Rather than having thoughts playing in an endless loop in our heads (ruminating), you would be better off expressing your thoughts verbally or in writing.